Rock Bottom

I feel like I've hit rock bottom today. I want to, and am ready to make a positive change to my life.

I've always struggled with my weight. At school, I remember being the fat one; I never felt like I fitted in because I was bigger than all the other kids. This made me shy and somewhat socially awkward. Even now, as an adult, I still suffer from social anxiety. My mind repeats the nasty comments the other kids made about my size, feeding my hatred of my body and making me think that no-one else can possibly accept me because of the way I look. 

Since I was about 15, I started dieting to lower the number I saw on the scale. I wanted to be slim like the popular kids at school. I've tried so many diets: calorie counting, low carb, low fat, 5:2, the list goes on. I've yoyo-ed through a range of weights, but now sit at under 10st. Being 5ft 7, this is a suitable weight for my height according to BMI. However, I still feel fat. I look in the mirror and the first things I notice are my large thighs, my tummy fat and my stretch marks. I've become obsessed with being thin, and I feel this is the only way I can accept myself. My most positive days are when I've seen the number on the scale come down or I've restricted my food successfully. But I don't want food and weight to dictate my mood.

I'm constantly think about how I can mess with my diet, so I can finally see 9st on the scales rather than 9st10. A quick flick through my Facebook feed drives this desire with its endless fitness and weight-loss programmes, healthy eating recipes and guides and articles about skinny celebrities.  My life now revolves around food, either eating it, reading about it or thinking about it. However, the more and more I focus on this diet mentality, the more I binge eat. I'm stuck in a 'I'll eat this all now, so I can start again tomorrow' attitude, but these binge episodes are making me feel disgusting and depressed, not to mention that the numbers on the scales are creeping up, making me want to diet even more. I'm trapped in a vicious cycle.

My worst time for binge eating is when I come home from work. I use food as a treat, and way of coping from the stress and fatigue of work. However, I don't just stop after one snack, I consume between 500-1000 calories in the space of an hour. Although this eating soothes my emotions for a short period of time, I'm left with an aftermath of anger. Sometimes this will lead to further binge eating and other times I will just lie down on my couch and cry. My sleep is also adversely affected. I'm fed up of feeling constantly angry and depressed, I want to start enjoying my life.

I've decided enough is enough, I don't want to be trapped in this binge-eating/dieting cycle. I'm ready to start my journey. It's going to take time, dedication, commitment and desire, but I feel ready. This time being ready to make a change is not going on another diet. Instead I'm going to focus on eating three proper meals of foods I enjoy, properly hydrating myself and doing exercise for enjoyment purposes, rather than as a punishment or weight-loss method. I also want to start practicing more self-care. I can't expect this to happen all at once, I just need to keep making baby steps towards these goals.

My week one baby-steps are going to be:

• When I come in from work, I will make myself a cup of tea and sit on the couch and watch an episode of TV
• I will give myself positive affirmations when I look in the mirror
• I will write a blog in a week's time to recognise my progress as well as any set-backs

So until next week,

Regards,

L